|2/14/2012; valentine's day with nissy
||[Feb. 19th, 2012 | 04:43 am]
kissing in the blue dark, playing pool and wild darts
Nissy and I spent Valentine's together in the Fort, walking around past couples, ducking into Market! Market! for an 150 peso Valentine's dinner, and making our way to the field where Leeroy New's glowing Psychopomp installation was.
Everywhere we went, people were walking together, holding enormous bouquets of flowers or single roses- I guess roses are expensive- and being happy.
Nissy wore black for the occasion, and I just tried to look as fresh and sophisticated as possible, mostly because I was also wearing black, but secretly.
We stayed at the little field for hours just talking, and sometimes keeping quiet.
One of the roads beside it had been roped off for free parking, something a few fancy cars had taken advantage of, without their occupants coming out. Valentine's.
There's nothing I want to talk about, and everything. I never stopped believing in love, but I've begun to believe more and more that it's for other people. Sometimes symbiosis doesn't work.
Maybe some of us are made to roam this city and the world, walking through fields that won't be empty for long with a good friend, taking photos, smoking, laughing but just sometimes, and mostly just trying to understand how to be okay.
I have had two very significant relationships, and both have changed me more profoundly than anything else that has happened in my life. As much as I try, words can't express the things I feel when I remember. Sometimes I feel an ache, knowing there are parts of me I've given away which I can't get back, and parts of them I can't give back which haunt me. Time erodes and buries, but never erases.
Love is radioactive. It has a half-life, and it halves and halves and halves and halves, until it's almost gone, but it never goes away.
I had a great night doing nothing with Nissy on Valentine's. We'll have more of that, with more friends next time, because more and more often it takes other people to remind me of who I am.